This midnight air still has that cold-
ness, sharpening senses, mocking thoughts that spring
is near; the heavy air, so thick it brings
the stars down close, hangs low upon the road.
A scientist will say that stars would scald,
burn, shrivel and consume whatever thing
gets near; their flames spark the black, the ring
of endless night, struck through with fires of gold.
Tonight’s truth, though, is stars are ice;
their depth is death that reaches close,
their bitter flash a mock of light.
The frost has reached down deep, though most
my journey yet remains. And I
must try to kindle that which froze.
Daniel Ausema has a background in experiential education and journalism and is now a stay-at-home dad. His fiction and poetry have appeared in dozens of publications, including Every Day Fiction, Nemonymous, MindFlights and Raven Electrick. He lives in Colorado.
Posted on March 2, 2009 in Poems
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8 Responses to “MARCH • by Daniel Ausema”
Comments
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March 2nd, 2009 at 7:23 am
Wow, this is gorgeous. I can live everything you mentioned. Someday, I’ll write a poem like this.
Great job.
March 2nd, 2009 at 7:39 am
Beautiful poem of suffering, effort, and hope. But that separating “ness” from “cold” doesn’t seem to work for purpose, it’s just peculiar. Still, one of the best poems I’ve seen lately. I love it!
March 2nd, 2009 at 1:44 pm
This is a beautiful poem – I love the imagery and description regarding the stars. And the hint at the end that the weather isn’t all that we’re talking about…
March 2nd, 2009 at 2:53 pm
Daniel,
It displeases me to do so, but I find I have to give this one only two stars–the average of four four for word choice, imagery, and other content and one for execution. It seems that you’re going for iambic meter throughout, but it falls short in some places. Also, it switches between tetrameter and pentameter in quite a jarring fashion. If you feel up to taking some advice, I’d recommend reworking the metrics of it; it wouldn’t take too much work, nor would you have to change much of the content. Do this and it could be a 4- or 5-star poem.
–Travis
March 2nd, 2009 at 8:54 pm
Wonderful visuals.
–dj
March 2nd, 2009 at 10:21 pm
Thanks for all the kind words!
Roberta, there was a purpose for splitting that word, both for the slant rhyme and for the meter (though whether that reason was sufficient…feel free to debate
)
Travis, thanks for the suggestions. Here too, I’ll state that the irregularities were intentional (and some of them were very influenced by the poetry I was reading a lot of at the time–Donne, Herbert, Marvell, Hopkins…). Again, maybe not successful, but not done out of ignorance
Thanks again!
March 3rd, 2009 at 7:01 am
Not all poetry contains imagery and visuals. Much of it is abstract.
For me, eight stresses per line seems to work out fine, if readjusted for “ness”, although the poetry is in the reading not the counting. Counting in poetry is an analysis of our responding, and a superficial guide for the poet of a lines correspondence with his/her other lines, not not the responding itself.
However, I have gained food for thought from commentors far more learned than I, such as Travis King and dj Barber.
However
March 3rd, 2009 at 7:03 am
Where did that bottom “However” come from. Oonah, are you there?